I am a Christian blogger. I write articles on the Christian view on different issues. Many have spoken well about my writing. But is that all about me- a Christian blogger who writes good articles?
I am a mess. Totally. What you don’t know is that I struggle with the very things I write about, behind closed doors. I struggle with wanting to be accepted by other people, bad attitudes towards people and emotional entanglements…
I am a snob. I judge by outward appearance. Sometimes I dislike just by the first impression. I have put up very high walls to keep off certain people from my life. I wouldn’t say I hate. But it could be something close to that.
I mess around with my friendships. I don’t forgive easily. I want those who wrong me to suffer just like they made me suffer. I think evil of them and curse them in my heart. I vow never to reach out to many of them. Sometimes I do this without an inch of guilt.
I’ve screwed up things in my interaction with those of the opposite sex. Severally my emotions have preceded my heart. Then things didn’t end up well. Then guilt ate me up. A very dense cloud of guilt hang on me. You didn’t notice it because I managed to keep an appearance.
I’ve stooped very low in my struggle to belong and be accepted. Then I ended up feeling used, and like my worth wasn’t appreciated. I’ve allowed my friendships to define my life- what I wear, how I do things…etc. Then I’ve ended up feeling quite cheap.
I am a young lady. I’ve had all those mixed emotions that ladies have. Sometimes I’ve wanted, so badly, to leave Kenya and start another life away from the people I know. Many times I’ve not understood myself. I have cried out of nothing behind closed doors. I’ve had moments, very many of them.
I’ve struggled with being a perfectionist and being bossy. I’ve wanted people to think like me and act like I do. Then when things didn’t go how I had wanted them to, I ended up frustrated. I’ve thought of myself as superior to other people and so I’ve acted boss on them. I suspect that I hurt many in the process, and may be left others with a bad taste in their mouths.
What’s my point? I am a mess. Something not worth a second glance. Wretched and doomed for destruction. Sinful in all my ways, from birth.
But there’s this treasure in the jar of clay that I am- Jesus. He’s my treasure. If there be anything beautiful or admirable in me, it’s nothing to me. It’s simply him.
He’s covered up and cleaned up my mess, so that even as I struggle it’s not written all over my face. At the cross, he traded these ashes for beauty. He’s walked with me since receiving him in 2009. Though I am the mess that I am, there’s significant progress in me. For I was a worse mess.
Just to say it only, the Lord is at work in my life. He’s the perfect model of love- he teaches me how to love. He’s my strength and joy- even in the most confusing moments I have found myself in him and rested in his assurance of salvation. Though I messed up in my friendships, he’s been teaching me how to forgive. I’ve also known, so deeply, that he’s cast my confessed past sins as far as the East is from the West.
Am a work in progress. Am not there yet, but am not where I used to be. Christ is at work in me, molding me day in day out to reflect his beauty and character. The good work he began in me, he’ll bring it to completion. And perfection.
When you see any good in me, it’s because the Lord is at work in me. When you see any ill in me, pray and believe that the Lord who’s at work in me will change me. Because the Lord is at work in me!