turn-back-to-godI fear failure so much. I get stressed up when I fail. Life stops. Literally. I will fuss over it for days. I’ll get into a reverie of replaying things in my mind and doing it all over again so that I correct things. Only to come back to reality and find things the way I left them. I mean, life stops!

Am talking about all kinds of failure. Spiritual, academic, ministerial, friendships…. If I fail in a task entrusted to me, I’ll want to kill myself for it. Sometimes I set too high standards for myself and when I don’t achieve I get stressed up. Even if someone comments that I did something well I’ll still not believe because I didn’t meet my standards. I’ll think it’s my fault, anyway. Recently I began fearing that I could be taking it too far.

Maybe it’s because I hate mediocrity. I will fuss over the praise and worship which didn’t lead the service well, fuss over something that went wrong in a friendship (never mind that it wasn’t my fault), feel sorry for a post that I don’t think relayed what was in my mind properly, and get stressed about it. I’ll do crazy stuff in an attempt to correct things. Like I’ll overwork myself or maybe give the praise and worship director a piece of mind…. Just something.

The fear of failure comes along with a desire for approval. Like if am not told something I did is good I’ll conclude it’s because it’s not perfect. Now that’s double trouble.

For quite some time I’ve wallowed in this fear. Hardly did I notice. Until recently when I did something that I considered very wrong. I said ‘considered’ because someone else doesn’t think it was wrong. So it’s been probably a month and am still fussing over it. Mourning over spilt water. Regretting and hoping I had a chance to do things all over again. Wondering what I was thought of.

You see, my problem is that I think about issues until my heart aches. Literally. There’s just a feeling I have when am not happy with something. It’s either my heart or the stomach. Can’t figure out.

But here’s the good news in all this… God is still at work in me. One of the lessons dawning on me is that am human. Flesh and blood. Incapable of doing any good thing. In fact, my righteousness is compared to filthy garments. I can only lean on God’s grace for righteousness. And allow him to work through me and in me.

Being human means that I fail. One of the ways that Christ works is through our failure. He is famous for the many messes he cleans, not the many ‘good people’ he pats on the back to congratulate them for being good. So let me human, and let him be God.

So I’ll stop judging myself too harshly and beat myself very hard. In any case, it has only added to my heartaches. This doesn’t mean that I now become lenient or mediocre. Perhaps it means that I loosen up and stop caring too much. Maybe it means I begin seeing my life in light of Christ working in me, and working out all things for my good and ultimately his glory. Maybe it means that I genuinely realize how fallen I am, and how am incapable of doing any good thing apart from God’s grace. Maybe it means that I need to be humble too. I mean, isn’t this a manifestation of pride?

And what’s my point with this post? Sharing my ‘In His Steps’ journey. It’s a difficult one. But my eyes are still fixed on the prize!