This post has been in the drafts for a month. Couldn’t post because of the website downtime I explained in my former post. I tweaked it a little bit to fit to this time.
Right from the beginning, it was God’s call that sensitized our hearts to the fact that we lived in hostility and rebellion towards Him. Through His grace and mercy He transferred us from the kingdom of darkness to that of His son Jesus. He continues to call us from our self-reliance, pride and rebellion that we may come to a place where we may fully see Him and behold Him in His glory, and ultimately glorify Him using our lives.
Before we are aware of God’s majesty, Sovereignty and beauty in executing His will, leaving our current states is inconveniencing and disturbing to say the least! No one wants to walk in uncertainty especially when remaining faithful to God means pursuing the unknown. In my depravity and near-sightedness, I want to relinquish all to God but still have control over specific areas of my life. I hate to feel helpless. Unless He helps me, I cannot bring myself to fully and blindly trust God in the direction he leads.
A lot of times we have to abandon our ambitions and comfort in order to follow Christ and be faithful to Him. This is perhaps what I have wrestled with most. You go to school so that you secure a decent life in the future. Your parents school you so that you can stand on your two feet and perhaps give back to them or give a hand in the bringing up your siblings. Then you show up after campus and tell them you are going for ministry, implying that you won’t earn money and even worse, your survival will be dependent on the financial support you receive from people. Who does that?
Then you have to wrestle with answering relatives who are all over celebrating that you are through with school and asking what you plan to do with your life. A recommendation is thrown at you here and there. You are given all these pieces of advice- send your CV here, don’t accept job offers that don’t relate to what you studied, don’t be too choosy on the kind of job to have especially in the first years after finishing school…etc.
Your dad has an awesome friend who has been kind in offering you a job every time school is not in session. He is willing to take you in for work before you settle for a job in line with your career at a decent pay. The manager calls before schools close to ask when you are reporting. Clearly, he is more than willing to have you work for him. You wrestle in your mind, seeing as how you have to leave this offer to follow God’s call.
You are the first born in your family. You obviously feel an obligation towards your siblings. You envisioned finishing school, getting a good job and renting a house big enough to accommodate your sisters who are almost through with high school. Of course they’d like to live with their elder sister who lives in Nairobi as they take their computer packages and figure out what’s next in their lives. You are now fearful that this may not be possible. At least not in the next one year.
You have to talk to people, tell them what you’ll be doing in the next one year and ask them to support you. It beats logic to see someone go through campus to only come back and ask people for financial support. “What is wrong with you? You need a little bit more seriousness in life!”
Your mind is clouded with uncertainties to the extent you are anxious. “What lies ahead? Will I manage through? Will I be effective in ministry? What if I blunder in the relationships I’ll have with people? I’m I being unrealistic? Guys my age are finding their way around their careers. May be I’m missing out on something! Uuugh! Does it have to be this difficult?” Doubt sets in, in small doses. “May be I rushed through the decision. What if I made a wrong choice? Is God with me in this?”
Assurance comes in similar doses. You remember the clarity and confidence in your heart at the time of decision making. The love and passion towards this ministry you felt. The eagerness with which you committed yourself to serve.
Nowadays you are ever deep in thoughts. You want to get insight into things. The more you think, the more you realize how helpless you are. God is not in need of help and chose you because you are the most qualified. This melts your pride and inclinations towards self-reliance. You begin realizing that not even your intelligence, eloquence, exposure or networking skills will make your experience in ministry a success, but a deep realization of your neediness, a humble acknowledgement of the same and a constant dependence on God’s strength. This truth is comforting many ways.
“I come weak that I be strengthened according to God’s might. I’m not ashamed to come in weakness that God’s power be made perfect in my weakness. I come in foolishness that God might use this foolishness to shame the wise. I come in humility that I may see God’s beauty and glory. I come to receive from His rich bank of mercy and grace. I come to be spent for the course of Christ. I come to know Him and to make Him known. I come to glorify Him by enjoying Him. I come as I am.”