It’s midnight on Sunday. Actually, Monday now. I’m supposed to be sleeping because I have to wake up tomorrow (or is it today) morning at 6:00 pm to wash a pile of dirty clothes that I’ve worn for the last like a whole month. Doing laundry isn’t like eating mangoes for me and therefore I prefer just doing it once a month so that I don’t have to get stressed over washing ‘em clothes for the next like 3 weeks. I say 3 weeks because the other 1 week is normally for psychological preparations for the task ahead and just generally coming to terms with it. Please don’t give me that ‘don’t wait for clothes to pile lecture’. It just doesn’t work out for me! *eyes roll* PS: Y’all know what gift to get me during my wedding- laundry machine.

I digress.

So, I’m supposed to be sleeping and my mind is all over racing and wandering. I’m thinking about so many things at a go. I have this mathogothanio that bugs me. I try listening to some music but wapi? This feeling won’t leave. I try memes and your guess is right- zero! (I need to stop watching Mutahi Ngunyi 😀 😀 ) I’m here having random conversations with random people in my mind, thinking about last week’s unfinished tasks, the mountain of activities ahead of me this week and Christmas! Then feeling bad as a result of God knows what!

Don’t be impatient. This post isn’t going the ‘Stupid Post’ direction. But then I intend to be a little bit sappy. Unusually vulnerable.

In such evenings as this I come to terms with my imperfections. I feel the heaviness of the weight of my sin and weakness. It’s never an interesting feeling because I’m a Christian and I desire to mature and produce the fruit of the Holy Spirit. I’m not satisfied that I suck at friendships. It doesn’t please me that emotions get the better part of me. I’m not happy that I’m not performing in my duties to the expected standards. I feel bad that I can’t act in obedience to Scripture, casting my anxieties to God. Why can’t I simply trust God? Why do my fears, anxieties and thoughts weigh me down this way?

Once in a while I sink into low moments of mild depression. (I thank God these haven’t been many this year). I’m not normally teary but my heart aches. A number of times I’ve thought I had ulcers coz of a sharp pain somewhere in my stomach as a result of stress! Sometimes journaling, which is very therapeutic, doesn’t help coz there are no words to express exactly what you feel.

For a moment now, I’ve been wondering whether it matters that a Christian girl (ladies would identify more with these phases) would go through this. Are my thoughts and feelings valid? Am I being just petty? Does anyone care that I ever feel this? Most importantly does it matter to God and does He care?

It’s possible to go through life with a smile and confidence and be ailing inside from unresolved personal conflicts. Yeah, it’s possible to put on a façade especially when I’m in the midst of people and may be postpone dealing with my issues to a later time.

I’m certainly not an expert, seeing as how I’m still struggling. With the help of God, I continue to figure out life every other day. I therefore would like to suggest a few things which really are reminders and have helped me over time.

  1. Admit that you are having an emotional turmoil. This is especially important when you are having to interact with people who expect you to be responsive even when you don’t feel like it. It’s not like you hate them or anything. You are just not in a position to handle people. A scenario comes to mind when I stretched myself to handle people yet I needed to deal with stuff in my heart and mind and it only made me feel worse that I wasn’t being true to myself and to the friends.
  1. I like to be left alone as I deal with stuff. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I don’t know how to pretend and if I’m among people at one point they will observe I’m not fine. I wouldn’t like to call attention to myself or create a tense environment for those I am with. That’s why I avoid any human interaction as I figure out my thoughts and emotions.
  2. Take it to the Lord in prayer. A majority of us are familiar with the hymn ‘What a Friend we have in Jesus!’ May we never forget that He searches our hearts and before a thought is conceived in our minds He already knows it. (Psalm 139) We do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses… (Hebrews 4:15) It helps a lot to cry… Coz you are confident of our loving God for whom there’s nothing to hide.
  1. At times I journal up to 5 pages as I write down every single word that I could use to express myself. There was a night I lost sleep at 3:00 am in my third-year coz I was thinking too much and journaling just sort of gave me a perspective into things.
  2. Talk to someone. I have a group of girlfriends whom I vent out to in case of stress. I have loved the way we come through for each other. I’m not afraid to mention even the silliest of things that could be troubling me. They identify with me. However, sometimes I don’t feel ready to talk to anyone. I don’t restrain my desire to keep quiet and turn things in my head on my own.
  1. Trust in God’s promises, hard as it may due to the cloud of unbelief prevents us from believing in Him. That ‘In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory’. (Ephesians 1:13-14) That the Holy Spirit is at work within us to sanctify, conform us to the image of Christ and keep us blameless for the coming of Christ. Like Paul, being ‘sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ’. (Philippians 1:6)

During a low moment I discovered the song ‘He will hold me fast’ by the Getty’s. The truths were such a comfort!

Those He saves are His delight, Christ will hold me fast

Precious in His Holy sight, He will hold me fast

He’ll not let my soul be lost, His promises shall last

Bought by Him at such a cost, He will hold me fast

So yeah, I hope that at the very least your identifying with this article will encourage you knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. (1 Peter 5:9) How we await the glorious return of our Lord Jesus when we shall be made perfect like Christ and these mortal bodies shall be no more! Maranatha.